Okay, so I lied. What I thought was one problematic scene, turned out to be three when I finally rolled my sleeves up and dug into the story. Perfectly decent scenes in memory were in fact fraught with awkward wording and choppy mechanics.
Don’t believe me? This was pulled from a scene near the end, just after the hero stalks off during a critical conversation: “She looked like a woman scorned, come to get revenge on her hapless victim. He couldn’t imagine what she was upset about, but whatever it was, he didn’t have time for it.”
First of all, it’s perfectly clear why she’s angry with him. Granted, he’s a man and completely oblivious to most things, but this should be pretty darn obvious to anyone smarter than an armadillo. So there’s that. Second, that’s just crappy phrasing. The whole thing is cringe-worthy, really. So, it has to go, along with several other paragraphs just like it. Sigh.
So, anyway, while I’m off trying to beat my story into shape, you get to enjoy Josh, the skater-turned-model. Happy Monday.